When I hear a passage of the Gospel like the one we have just heard today, it always makes me feel a little sad because I wonder if we ever listen to what Jesus is trying so hard to say to us. I mean, we strive to be mindful, we listen to the words and we wonder about what they mean and maybe they even hit us pretty hard like in this lesson we have this morning, where Jesus talks about “Hating one’s family” or “Picking up our crosses”. He’s really trying to get our attention, isn’t he? And yet it’s often like in the end, the message just does not register, it does not reach our mind or challenge significantly our way of thinking and doing things, and it’s always like our idea of the Gospel is pretty disconnected from what the Gospel is really about, and when I say that I am not talking only for us at All Souls but in the church in general.
Indeed, let’s consider this passage we have today. We take it for granted that being a Christian, or at least a big part of being a Christian, is about valuing family, don’t we? And it’s not only that we think our families are important, and that we need to have “family values” (whatever that means), but we also often assume that our churches should be like family, right? In fact, there is often this common idea that a church has made it as a church if it feels like family: if we think of our church as our family, then our church has reached its goal. And that’s the reason why I say it feels like what’s in fact in the Gospel does not register. Because they are several passages in the Gospel like this one today where Jesus far from holding up the family model for the church, actually downplays or even opposes the family as an ideal for his followers. In fact, there is this one passage that showed up a few weeks ago in our lectionary you may remember:
Jesus says: “Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. From now on there will be five in one household divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in–law against daughter–in–law and daughter–in–law against mother–in–law.” (Luke 12:51–53)
So whether we like it or not, we have to acknowledge that it’s really a far cry to assume that Jesus said something like: “My followers should be like family“, even if it is what we profess all the time. Quite the opposite in Luke’s, it seems that Jesus is calling his followers to turn their backs on their families, to choose him over their loved ones and even fight them or reject them for the sake of being a disciple. So how are we to understand that? This also seems very at odds with the overall message of the Gospel which says again and again that we should love one another. Actually, this is probably why it does not register with us, because this particular teaching does not fit with the rest, and yet there’s something very important for us to understand.
So let’s have a closer look at it.
– First we need to have a look at the context: In our passage, we know that Jesus is on his way to Jerusalem, he is heading to the cross and the shame of Jesus’s death will fall back on his followers and bring dishonor to their families. And this is not only the circumstances of the people Jesus is directly addressing in our passage, but it was also a reality for the first Christians: Their families were ashamed of them because they chose poverty over wealth, virtue over reputation, simplicity over accomplishments, and in some cases they were considered as enemies of the Roman Empire, or heretics in the Jewish religion. So indeed, the disciples needed to practice detachment with what was expected of them in their families and even not being afraid to “dishonor” them (although they did nothing wrong). When Jesus commands them to “hate” their families, it’s rather the consequence of them choosing to follow him and to put him first: It will look like hate to their families.
Now for us who don’t live in the same context, how are we to hear that? Well, I think the problem is that we often think of our families as places of redemption, when they actually need to be redeemed.Our families should certainly not be a model for Christian life, rather Christian life should be a model for our families. Even if we like to think of families as “safe haven” in spite of disagreement or even dysfunction, we have to acknowledge that all families are broken in a way or another, subject to sin and that they all need to be transformed and made new.
So how are our families subject to sin more specifically, and how do they quite naturally oppose the Gospel?
– Families reproduce social inequalities: Families have a tendency to close up on themselves to protect their own and exclude the stranger, the newcomer and those in need. We talked about that two weeks ago when Jesus accuses the Pharisees to have more compassion for their own cattle, worry more about their property rather than care for a woman in need (Luke 13:10-17) “I want to protect my family” can cover up for a lot of injustices. “If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself,’ you are doing well. But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors.” (James 2: 8-9)
Now in families themselves, there are power dynamics that can be unhealthy. Not everybody are equal among the family’s members, and love or emotional attachment is used to gain privileges or attention. We can notice though that it’s not always the strongest who is the more powerful, some weak members use their weakness to manipulate others and get what they want.
– There can be unhealthy attachment and emotional dependency that prevent some members of the family to be their own people, to use their freedom and be who God calls them to be and fulfill their vocation. Loving people is about wanting what’s best for them, but especially in couples and families, loving people can become about wanting them for ourselves, not necessarily for material advantages, but for our own emotional comfort or because we’re afraid to be alone. “If any of you put a stumbling-block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck” (Matthew 18:6)
– Families generally want to protect their names and their legacy and so we don’t hold ourselves accountable, rather we risk to cover up for the wrongdoings of certain family members because we don’t want to take on the shame of their behavior. Families carry secrets from one generation to another that are poisoning not only their own family life but those lies are also toxic for those around them. We try to preserve a superficial peace instead of talking about what hurts and seek together a deeper reconciliation. That’s not what Jesus instructs his disciples to do: “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone.” (Matthew 18:15)
So I think it’s enough examples to show that it’s not because it’s in the family that it makes things all right, rather we always have to evaluate, judge and adjust the way we live in our families based on what the Gospel expects from each one of us: treating people as equal, being honest and humble, renouncing to exert power (even if we can use authority, on our own children for example). Our families have to be redeemed, which in a positive way, also invites us to become healers in our own families by breaking unhealthy patterns, telling the truth and holding each other accountable. And we have to behave this way in our families because that’s what the church should model for us. Sadly, it’s often the other way around! Sadly, too often the church has become like a dysfunctional family where we go to seek people’s approval and recognition, where we cover up sins and scandals. We have taken the worst of what families do and applied it in our churches, we have let families model us as Christians instead of the Gospel being a model for families. But in fact it’s not necessarily wrong to say that the church is like family, if we understand it should be a better family, a family according to Christ’s heart, God’s family where we are all brothers and sisters, equal and united, open and forgiving, truth tellers and “sin slayers”! And for us who have studied the Book of Acts in Luke’s, we know this is really what the first Christians strove to do. Jesus’s call to renounce our families, our own lives and all our possessions only make sense in the context of a life shared with the community, it’s not about becoming a lone wolf or isolating with a few others in a cult, it’s about modeling the Gospel values together in the world and certainly all families should be included in this mission.
I really liked it when at Bible study, some of you have interpreted how Jesus invites us to carry our crosses. Some have said: We should carry our crosses with each other, and this is sort of an ideal for families as well, that’s what we long for in our families: To be there for each other, to show up in time of need no question asked, and we know we always have to get better at doing that and make sure nobody is left behind. I also think there is even a deeper way of understanding it: When Jesus says we need to pick up our crosses to follow him, he does not first mean we have to carry the unavoidable suffering we endure in our lives because of health, losses or relationships, rather he first means we suffer in following him because we’ll have to renounce our ego and selfish aspirations, and renouncing what the world value in terms of success or happiness.And so carrying each other’s crosses could mean that we need to support each other in time of need, but what the first Christians were especially concerned about doing was to encourage each other in virtue, in faith and hope. They wanted to be honest with each other, to correct each other when needed, to help each other grow in the knowledge of God. They saw each other as spiritual companions on a spiritual journey, “walking each other home” to God’s kingdom. Maybe that’s the way we should see our family members as well, spiritual companions. When our families call us to love, the Gospel reminds us that often love isn’t enough, we need to learn to love well, to love the way God loves us.